“We
live in a culture where it seems almost natural for work to define our
identity.”[1]
Consider, on meeting somebody for the first time nine times out of ten one of
the very first questions we ask is, “what do you do for a living?” Then, with answer given, we begin a process
of deeper reflection that seeks to identify some of our underlying suppositions
regarding this person we have just met. We
can judge their educational level, their societal class, their income level,
and so much more. It seems that you can
tell a lot about somebody simply by what they do, at least that is the silent
message we send out. However, what if we’re
wrong, what if what we do for a living is not who we really are? Could there be more to us than just our jobs? And, if so, if there is more to us than our
jobs let on, how do we ever begin to recognize this in each other? Have you ever found yourself asking these
kinds of questions?
For
years, I worked as a residential builder, in fact for many of these years I owned
my own company. My entire world revolved
around work boots and tattered clothes, the clothes of working class people. I was good at what I did, and I took a lot of
pride in what I did. Yet, I always bristled at the question, “So, what do you
do for a living?” You see, for me this was a way to qualify me and who the
person asking the silly question thought I was. Yet, despite my personal angst
with the question, I always found myself answering the question. Never did I
say, “Why do you ask? I’m not defined by
my occupation!” No, rather I’d answer, “I’m
a residential builder.” You see, I never
even let on that I was an independent business owner, nor that my deepest
passion was to provide for my family, not even that I was constantly looking
for the next movement in the construction industry hoping to be the first one
to capitalize on it. No, I never said
any of this because none of this really mattered to the one asking the
question. No, rather I became enmeshed in this identity as a residential
builder. In fact, I became so enmeshed that
my “social life (became) an appendage of (my) work; (and) the tensions of work
stay(ed) with (me) in (my) sleep....”[2]
shaping the reality of even my dreams. Worse
yet, when my world began falling apart around me I was the last person to see
it. I was so concerned with the tree
right in front of me that I failed to step back and see the entire forest. Consequently, when the reality of the
destruction that took place in my life reached my attention, it was entirely
too late for me to do anything about it.
So,
is there an alternative way to enmeshment? The answer quite simply is yes. As leaders, we need to become
self-differentiated from our organizations.
Although this is a hard process, self-differentiation begins breaking
enmeshment’s bonds and helps one to realize that what they do need not define
who they are. Consider this question, “what
waters your soul in the course of your work?”[3] Is
there something that, amid the busyness and chaos of your work, you do away
from your occupation that feeds you? Or,
to consider it from a slightly nuanced angle, what charges your batteries? How can you incorporate more time for this in
your life? By forcing yourself to
articulate these things, those things that bring you satisfaction away from
work, you begin creating a different reality for yourself. This results in a
better ability to think and work productively when you are at work. Michaelson
states, and I concur, that “all of us need the replenishment of living waters
to participate fully in God’s work to heal the world.”[4] So,
self-differentiation, although a bit of a confusing term, simply means your
ability to see yourself for who you really are.
It’s your ability to recognize the you, the true you that only you see.
Yet,
I wonder how many of us don’t really know who we truly are? I wonder how many
of us have allowed other’s feelings and thoughts to define us for so long that
it is hard to see the real person hidden in the depths of our souls. You see, the
work of self-differentiation is extremely hard to do alone. For those of us who have done it alone, we
stand as testimony to this fact. Here is
where a person- typically called a Spiritual Director is most beneficial. For those of you unfamiliar with a Spiritual
director, it this person’s job to “create a safe and welcoming space where
(one) can come and share deeply out of (one’s) inner dialogue to know and
listen to God.”[5]
Further, it is the Spiritual Director’s job to help you by sharing in the
journey with you.
So,
although this has been a brief encounter with self-differentiation, I hope it
has served to begin the conversation of who you truly are. I hope further that you allow yourself to
wrestle a bit with the concept of enmeshment vs. self-differentiation. At the end of the day, the choice is yours to
make. Will you allow yourself to be
blind-sided by the problems you cannot see because of the tree that stands in
your path? Or, will you pull yourself
away far enough that you can see the entire forest? This is exactly what self-differentiation can
do for you.
Today,
this is my view from the Road Less Traveled
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